For the past 2 years, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety. It started when God began exposing sin in my life. But instead of repenting, and working alongside with God, I allowed the voice of condemnation, guilt and shame to trap me.
This was partially because as I was growing up, I suppressed a lot of hurt, mistakes and pain instead of dealing with them properly. All these created a snowball effect in my life. I felt deep sense of hopelessness in myself and could not find joy in anything I did.
On many occasions, I'd get panic attacks in public and had to find somewhere quiet to calm my crying self.
I wanted to stop serving in the Worship Ministry, as I couldn't serve God in this condition. I tried many ways to alleviate the pain but ultimately none of them worked out.
I also had suicidal thoughts and eventually receded from everyone as I felt ashamed. As the accumulation of my pain was too much too handle, I vented my frustration on a glass door which has now left some permanent damage on my foot.
This incident shook me greatly, and I started crying out to God for help, desperately wanting to break free from my pain and depression. While I meditated on the Word, God slowly revealed the false beliefs ingrained in me.
Last year, suicidal thoughts began to intensify. But this time, it was different! I'd feel immense peace while worshiping God.
One night while playing on the keyboard, I started singing words from Psalms 29
Whom shall I fear, My God is here with me
Whom shall I fear, He calms the raging seas
I’m not afraid – He is my victory
My God He fights for me
This was a cry for revival from the depths of my heart. My declaration of His faithfulness and goodness in my life! God also reminded me that He is my living hope and He hears my cries.
In the past few months, I'll turn to worship whenever I'm faced with negative thoughts. I now know that I'm equipped to fight not by my own strength, but by putting on the garment of praise and choosing to worship Him even when it's difficult - it's pursing a lifestyle of intimacy with God.
I'd like to encourage those who may be going through depression, anxiety or a difficult season. Press on, don't give up! Regardless the situations we are facing, we can choose to worship God because He is good, He is our our light and salvation!
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